The Hug
Have you ever wondered if you were making any progress? Sometimes the evidence of change or achievement comes unexpectedly, like when you are three weeks into a new fitness plan and you look in the mirror to brush your teeth, and suddenly notice that your face appears to be magically thinner.
Have you ever wondered if you were making any progress? Sometimes the evidence of change or achievement comes unexpectedly, like when you are three weeks into a new fitness plan and you look in the mirror to brush your teeth, and suddenly notice that your face appears to be magically thinner. You bring your chin down to make sure and see that it doesn’t produce the skin roll it used to. Progress!
The same thing happened to me after recovery. Men had been the source of emotional and physical pain, all kinds of abuse, and intense feelings of worthlessness. For much of my life I didn’t trust them. When they would ask me to hang out, I was suspicious. If a man tried to greet me with a hug, I would put out my hand. At men’s retreats I sought solitude.
Then in 2018, I was married and my wife and I began attending a new church. It was her encouragement that eventually helped me to relax my guard just enough to begin meeting with a couple men one on one. They in turn encouraged me even more and invited me to attend High Road Recovery. The Monday after the third invite I attended for the first time. That evening the leader encouraged the group to focus simply on doing the next right thing. Attending was my ‘next right thing’ and I spent the next few Monday evenings attending, but only listening. Then on the third night, when it was my turn to share, instead of passing to the next person, I spoke.
I expressed under a flood of angry tears that I needed deep healing. I wasn’t even sure what needed fixing. All I knew is that something within me was broken. I didn’t know the root cause and didn’t have the slightest unction how to fix it. At the time, I figured it was better to go than wallow in worry.
I continued to attend and completed the steps of recovery. I was now allowing myself to be fathered by men. I was experiencing sonship for the first time in my life. I was healed and whole. Yet, I was still pacing myself through the life-long marathon called maturity.
Three years passed and I was working at Jordan Ranch Retreat Center. Also, my boss was mentoring me. He asked me to attend a Men’s Conference in Corpus Christi, Texas, so my wife and I made it a weekend trip. The morning of the conference I arrived early to scope it out. Once my mentor arrived, I helped him get settled inside and began greeting men in the large auditorium. About a minute later I noticed a familiar face and headed his way.
“Hey Jose! Great to see you.” I pulled him in for a warm hug.
As we let go, he looked at me and smiled, “I wasn’t expecting that from you.”
I was a bit confused, “Really? Why do you say that?”
“You really want to know,” he said with a half smile.
Now I was just curious. “Yah.”
He continued, “Well the last time we met, I went to hug you like you just hugged me and you stopped me. You were like, ‘I don’t do hugs.”We both began to laugh. I thought, “Was I really that hardened?”
That meeting with Jose and the rest of my small group had been during my first Spiritual Encounter, just after beginning High Road. I only went because the executive pastor at the time insisted; The idea of going on purpose to an event with ‘Encounter’ in the title, was still way outside the comfort zone of a man who built his entire life on performance and hiding his pain.
I remember arriving completely exhausted and not interested in talking to anybody. I also remember arguing with a leader and having a minor fit. Being transparent within my group was also difficult. Then During the second day of the retreat, the facilitator asked us to complete a personal inventory. It was a list of strongholds. My job was to check off any strongholds that I had the least bit of experience in. I remember checking every box ranging from fortune telling to drug use and physical abuse.
Many people come to Jordan Ranch never knowing the meaning or significance of its name. The Hebrew word for Jordan is “yarad (yaw-rad)” which literally means to come or go down, or to descend. Figuratively, it gives off the idea as a place of bowing or coming down from a mountain. [i]
In the Older Testament of the Bible, it was often referenced as a place where faith was required. In the book of Joshua the priests who carried the ark stepped into it during flood stage. As their feet touched the edge, they witnessed as the massive flow of its waters suddenly stopped and backed up for them, allowing all of Israel, who were following them to cross over the Jordan on dry ground.[ii]
Today, many travelers to Israel are baptized in the Jordan, marking it as a place of change.
After completing the stronghold inventory, we began praying over the entire list. The session was humbling and exposed to my own heart and mind my desperate need. It was the beginning of descending into my past. Thankfully, the crossing of the Jordan River always includes coming up out the other side.
A little bit later, Jordan Ranch became the place my wife and I began to serve together. It was also there on one of the second story landings and in its Hall of Honor where I completed steps 4 and 5 in my recovery process and where I was able to finally let go of my past. Then, when I began to work at the Ranch, it was in the manager’s office, at least once a week, that my mentor took time to correct me. His loving correction helped me to let go of even more limiting beliefs and behaviors.
I didn’t realize the impact Jordan Ranch was going to have on my life that first visit, but the short meeting with Jose a few years later confirmed immediately that I didn’t leave it the same way I entered. He could see I was a different person.
Change is never easy. It is often difficult to know how to begin. Then once we begin, it can be difficult to see that we’re making progress. I encourage you in your own journey to do the next right thing. Then, be patient with yourself. Sometimes the evidence of change or achievement comes unexpectedly.
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Joe Atinsky is a freelance content creator and writer who lives with his wife in Katy, Texas.